Monthly Archive for July, 2007

in an effort to become less confused I have decided to write
itusually serves to at least sort out thoughts in -my- head, though it’sto my understanding that the audience is generally left reeling fromrandom tangents

all my life, I’ve lived with general goals. Theyaren’t ever voiced. A sort of meandering in a general direction, if youwill. No matter the events, the general direction is still where myfeet are aimed.
To be fair, I’ve never known -what- the goal was.
There’s a general idea of the goal -now-
The basic components, I know
everything else, well. it will fall into place someday, or maybe not, but either way I will find a way to be content

There’re things in my life that are -important-
essential, if you will
I couldn’t number then by importance. they’re all important.
Ryan,Jaiden, Jason, Peter, Mom, Jessica, Marymary, brendano, well. it goeson. so many people who mean the world to me. It’s not easy for me toshow it, and they haven’t been given the care they want and need tounderstand how important they are. Since I don’t know how to reach out,I can only tell them with words.
There’re -things- that make mehappy. Computers, mainly. Video games. Being with family. It’s hard forme to do one thing at a time, though. Generally gotta do a couplethings at once That’s another reason I have trouble reaching out topeople. Everyone else is able to concentrate on one thing and do itwithout getting distracted by needing to do other things, too. In anycase.

My goal now.
The point of my thoughts.
A house,perhaps — an apartment would suit just fine for the mean time. I’vealways wanted to be surrounded by children. I adore them, communicatewith them more easily than I do adults, and generally have fun withthem. It’s not the childish fun I had in my own childhood. Knowing yourreactions and actions can shape their future, their belief structure –it’s daunting, but a task I KNOW would be no problem for me.
Mychildhood dream of 10 kids is a hell of a lot more than I want now, butif that were to ever happen, I will take it as it comes xD
blah!
Thefirst time I ever held a baby, up close and personal, I was six yearsold. He was so precious and small, and alive and REAL, and I knewinstantly that I wanted my own.
My goal includes someone, someonevery imortant to me. I literally can’t live without him. He’s my otherhalf, the one who makes me complete. It’s misery and confusion withouthim.
Everyone asks me about my son
where there’s a will, there’s a way
that’s all I can say
sonow, when it seems like everything is in my way, I find myself runningand climbing instead of meandering and strolling. If I get there beforehe does, I just hope I can wait for him to get there before racingfurther ahead.
I do have the strength and the will to accomplish my goals. Anything that gets in my way WILL NOT PHASE ME
no matter what happens, I will do what it takes to achieve what I need.

I was swimming in the ocean, abandoned by all that I thought I knew, by a life I’d been raised in and learned from
and there was nothing. not even a log leftover from the wreck my life had taken.
I met a savior, and he became my island, my focus, and I landed on him without qualm. the only one there to show me the rest of the land.
though being an island, all land I saw was far off and into the distance.
so it was safer to stay with the island, and learn from it, and anything that happened to land on it
the island started submerging, and in desperation I called forth a boat to rescue me. wobbly, air leaking out, the rubber raft served to pull me safely to land
in the process things were taken from me, and things were given to me that I could not keep. upon meeting with land, that which I would cherish for all
eternity was ripped from my womb by my own hand and I left it there, on the beach, while 4th of july fireworks set off in the distance
for months I wandered, learning things again, but I wandered in a small wooden box filled with hiding places and various circuitry
and the discovery of a cute doggy with big sad eyes broke down the stoic parts of my loss and made me want to be mother again
I fed the doggy, kept him, loved him. he adored me and kept me happy as best he knew how.
and when my world started crashing down around us, he swept me up and carried me to saftey, and I watched from a point too far away to see clearly,
as all that I cherished was once again destroyed, and because of my previous actions, it was by my hand, again
so a cocoon started to grow, from my head down to all ten toes, and I became a doll for the doggy to chew, though he never chewed. he cared for me and painted a face and clothes on me, not knowing that I wasn’t there, oblivious to my lack of self
as the time drew near for my self to emerge, the doggy tried patching the parts that were coming apart, tried fixing what needed to be torn away
and so an angel descended and showed him the way, helped him pull the pieces away to see what had been so long ago, and he realized his lover had been gone for some time, and he wept.
the loss of all he knew dropped, disappeared, and his focus became the me that was, not the me I am, and so I escaped before he could wrap me in the husk once more
and I’m grateful that I was taken care of while I grew, thankful that I learned from knowing him
I loved him deeply, but was scared of him because he let me be what I wasn’t
In desperation I fled from all that was familiar, searching for myself under benches and in closets. Friends became my life, and inevitable closeness insued. Braver, I boldly walked steps that I’d stumbled on before, and upon reaching the top step, a signpost pointed me to my next road.
Wandering the road, hand-in-hand with someone who cared for me, we spotted a smaller road and began walking toward it. As we walked, side by side, life gushed from me and I stumbled. Now gripping his hand, I wept and he paced, wanting to know what to do, and my closest friend held me and helped clean away the loss. As we stumbled along, the road we thought we’d missed appeared again. Walking toward it, still hand and hand, we excitedly discussed all that would occur on this 20 year path. eventually we’d wandered far enough that a small miracle joined us, opened his big blue eyes at us and smiled. Holding him between us, we continued walking, day after day, week after week, month after month. We were separated suddenly, a path opening up before me, showing me things that would make those closest to me happier. After stumbling about on the path, I finally found footing and continued. By then, I couldn’t see either of them, but I could hear them and they told me they were fine. Continuing down the path, I looked up again, into different blue eyes. He asked me who I was looking for, but all I could see was him. We walked together for a time, separating here and there, and all the pains and fears of my life surfaced around me. Swimming again, though I wasn’t; my body bent over, wracked in the pain of loss; my heart tearing into thousands of pieces — it all came back, and with his arms wrapped around me, I was able to lay the hurt to rest. Slowly, my heart started pumping, my soul singing. Here was home, here was life, here was love.
In his arms, there was only us, and our love and our loves. We wandered down the path, our loves all around, until the path opened up. To our right were friends and to our left were family, and in our hearts and souls, we were one.

thanks to , I am now a grandcentral.com user WOOT!! *dance*
the number I picked out is (650) 209-4373 and it’ll forward you to my celly =-.0=
hehehe
the cool part is, if I’m not available on that number for some reason, I can use a different number instead but nobody’ll know the difference
anyway
have fun!
cheese is good