Monthly Archive for June, 2007

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odd, I don’t remember being affected by this time of year before.
usually it’s just v-day and sep. 13th. apparently it’s father’s day, too.
mostly it’s because I keep thinking of and seeing things I want to get him. make him a card or something. tell him how much I love him, even if he never believed it.
my mother-in-law was showing me, excitedly, all the things she’d gotten for her husband and son. mom and I used to do that, running around getting stuff for him.
I wonder, sometimes, if my memories of him are slightly skewed by childhood fantasies of having a father. my computer knowledge, and its role in my life, is hugely attributed to him. he taught me everything he knew, all the weird quirks of hardware.
my graduation present was a computer — in pieces. I remember sitting on the floor of my bedroom putting my first computer together, jumping up frequently to ask him if I was doing it properly. I had seen my case at the one and only computer show I’ve gone to, one we went to together. It was purple and slightly transparent, and PURPLE, which was/is my favorite color. He evidently sneakily bought it for my graduation present, along with a copy of windows 98 SE.

He always wanted me to have everything, to want for nothing. Even if what I wanted sent me hundreds of miles away, on the other side of the US. If I’d known how that would hurt him, and that I wouldn’t have decades with him, I wonder if I’d have left.
there’s always the guilt of the whole business.
mom lives with a huge chunk of it, since she “instigated” it (or whatever you want to call it). It was his fault she left him, but mom never sees anything from that point of view.
I’d been his target, and when I left, he switched to her.
there’s one thing that I’ve held on to that helps when the guilt starts rolling in: you can’t live your life for other people.
EVEN if staying would’ve kept him here, I wouldn’t have been able to stay in that situation. Granted, I wasn’t quite starving, but a few more months of that life and I would have been under 100lbs. he wouldn’t let me get a job, at least not one that I had to be out after dark to work at. that would’ve helped the family, and in fact the job I had before he made me quit was paying for clothes (for peter) and food.
maybe some magic combination of words, a long talk into the night — who knows. is there -anything- you can say or do to keep someone from doing something like that? what gets a person to that point?
I’ve always had the same thing in me, and it’s scary and exciting at the same time. the only thing that kept me from it was experiencing -this-, knowing what it feels like on the other side of it, knowing that leaving would make everyone around me think they aren’t as important to me as they are. there’s more to it, recently, in finding and knowing my one-and-only. no thoughts of any of it, whatsoever. jaiden gave my life purpose, but my love gave it meaning, brought me back, helped me feel again.
perhaps that’s why I’m sitting here, writing this, crying and wiping my nose on jason’s hair (hey, it was there!) and my shirt.
jason’s gotten strangely snuggly since we separated. it’s weird. he’s got emotions now, or something. who knows.

this isn’t something you can ever get over, but maybe it’s possible to move on from it, someday.
happy father’s day, daddy. I miss you