so, as some of you know, my marriage is kinda rocky right now. It’s not (necessarily) another man/woman (whatever), but there was some instigation from an outside party. Showed me that I wasn’t happy, and that there is so much more to life than living it for other people. finding someone who was built especially for you, just for you — it’s amazing to discover.
I’ve been talking a bunch with my husband about the “other guy”, about our marriage, about what life would be like if we were apart, some about soulmates. shortly after the talk we had about soulmates, someone who he’s never managed to get reaquainted with while one or the other of them was single came back into his life. they talked about it some, which is pretty interesting.
I was dragging stuff out of him, and he finally mentioned one of the girls he helped train who’s also a good friend, and how they’re always talking about this and that, INCLUDING many things he -never- talks about with me. he just can’t, it’s some block in his head. among them is sex, and things related to it, which as ya’ll know I love to talk about.
stopping him right there, I realized that’s where our problems all came from. not that we got married, no. that we have a baby. it put me into “mother mode” in his mind, and now instead of treating me like a wife, he treats me like a mother.
we haven’t ever really connected, not on all the layers that I have nor that he has. he’s vertically layered, I think, while I’m horizontally layered.
we’re still married, and plan to file for taxes jointly one last time next april, but we’ll be separating and probably living separately. I’ll have to find someone to move in with (obviously), since I can’t afford a place on my own. well, perhaps I could, but it’d make things tight.
Not to blame Jaiden, though — never never never. he was planned, we love him, we wouldn’t give him up for the world.
for those of you who are curious about “the other guy”, I will ONLY tell you that he’s like a mixture of brendano and myself. he’s a few years older than jason as well. I -do- love him, am -in love- with him, and know that he is my soulmate.
Jason asked me, and I wasn’t sure how to respond, since my feelings are all a confused jumble. I’m absolutely certain of that though, Jason, as I’m sure you’ve already figured out.
it’s interesting that I feel the same way toward jason that he does toward me. he’s family. not my husband, not my boyfriend. just family.
how weird is that?
