talking with a very good friend, kinda randomly connected to people
was re-reading livejournals and thinking about one of the earliest posts. second or third one?
kept hitting “previous”, and saw an entry for what I wanted out of life, and what I wanted in my mate
which brought to mind possibly the most embarassing aspect of my childhood, along with two other things I asked for
my mom got me a prayer journal, and I wrote the things I wanted in it. something about writing what you want solidifies it, and makes it able to happen.
the first is one only those -extremely- close to me know about. it was granted on the exact day I turned 14.
the second was a combo, to an extent. I knew I didn’t want one without the other.
I wanted a whole bunch of brothers and sisters, but if that was too many, then at least a little brother.
and third, I wanted my daddy.
those were the only entries in my journal (unless there was one about losing weight, which there may have been, and I did that back then)
and all of them were answered =^.^=
there’s the mentality of permanence. now that I have this, it will always be here. taking it for granted, in a sense.
it’s very very difficult for me to think of -anybody- going away, and so I have difficulty when people leave.
TJ is the one who instilled the whole idea of taking what you’re given, what you can get.
If I’d truly listened to him, all those years ago, maybe I would’ve gotten over my father all that much sooner. unfortunately that kinda thing requires the right frame of mind to accept.
there’s “knowing”, and there’s “feeling”
I’ve known that my father is gone, and that it isn’t my fault and I couldn’t have done anything
my -feelings- wouldn’t let that stick in my head long enough to make a difference
I took a step back, and realized that I could survive. if I lost my brother, if I lost those close to me, I’d survive.
I’d have the time with them that was gifted to me, and that would be enough.
I’m no longer upset that I was too busy running to be with my father for so many of the years I was given. I understand there were reasons for that, and even so, I can’t do anything about it now.
I feel and know that short of living life for dad, there was nothing anybody could do.
and mom, if you ever read this, I want you to know: even though you’re the one who “Abandoned” dad, in his head, it was by no means your fault that he decided to leave.
he wanted to leave already, and he pushed and pushed because he knew where it would get him, because he wanted no reasons to stay here.
he’s happy now, I feel. he knows, he understands, he can feel us and feel the truth of our feelings.
the best thing he could possibly feel is that we’ve forgiven him for leaving us, understand that he needed to go away because this world was too much, or not enough.
and he can rest easy in the knowledge that he’ll always be in our hearts, and will always influence our outlook on life. he won’t be forgotten, and he will always always be loved.
thank you, whatever higher power it is out there, for giving me the time I had with my father. Thank you for all the time with those around me, and for all the learning you’ve given me.
thank you, my friends, for not looking at me like I’m out of my mind when I was looking.
thank you maryssa, for being there and helping me with that mess, cleaning it up for me. it was more than I expected of -anybody-, and so much more to me than you can know. I feel loved, which is odd, cause you’re a girl. you’re sposed to hate me or something =^.^=
it made it so much easier for me to bear, having you there, and holding me while I cried.
thank you too, kyle, for watching over my dreams and keeping the demons from getting into those, too.
thank you, Jason, for sharing your brain with me =^.^= it’s nice to finally know who’s been tryina get me to buy all those dvds all these years -.-
thank you, TJ, if you ever read this. you watched over me, when I was hidden inside myself, and that’s something I can’t ever forget. you gave me advice I didn’t like and I accepted it (eventually) =^.^=
thank you, mom, for raising me to be as independant as I am. I couldn’t stand today if you hadn’t given me the life you did. you taught me to be strong for other people, and for my self. you taught me that confidence makes it seem like you have all the answers, and most importantly of all, you taught me that being goofy and naughty helps you get through life more easily.
I love all of you. please don’t ever forget it.
