I wonder if it’s possible to turn the mental need to sabotage anything perfect into something physical?
Not with razors or lighters or matches, but your body doing it, like so much shit.
I’ve always felt that I never deserved anything. Thus, I always looked for people who felt the same way.
maybe if they don’t, either, nothing good would happen to make karma rear up and bite me.
Of course breaking away from people like me, I find Jason, who’s the complete opposite.
THAT is the reason, I feel, that I’ve been having the undeserving bug for so many months now.
with all that’s happened to me recently, I’d say that, still, the good outweighs the bad.
I tend to over-react, but I feel as though I haven’t reacted enough to the pain from today’s midnight.
it hurts, still, and all I can feel is “I’m sorry” to Jason, to Mary, to everybody around me who’s dealing with this karmic retribution that was doled out on me.
I don’t know which of the things I’ve done I’m being punished for, but my karma always came up fast, so I’m sure it was some recent event.
sorry, Uncle Kyle, you’ll have to wait a bit longer.
Monthly Archive for October, 2005
something about driving aimlessly that gives you too much time to think.
freeways are the worst. they’re easy to lose yourself in.
don’t know or care how much gas I wasted. I got where I needed to go, eventually.
it’s really weird when I stick my mp3 cd on random and I get a succession of songs that all
pertain to what I’m feeling.
a long time ago, when I was younger and scared, lost, aimless and alone, I wrote a list in a journal.
wasn’t so big on keeping a consistant journal, just needed somewhere to write when my feelings got too big to contain.
at the time I felt stupid making the list, because a list merely made stoic what was hurting me, made it suddenly bearable and stupid to feel bad.
something about getting your feelings out, writing them down or telling someone, that makes you feel stupid or better or whatever.
I’ve always been accepting, and if I couldn’t be I put more effort into it. Hiding, withdrawing, or running the fuck away.
As in all cases, I’ve accepted the inevitable. Not because I want to, but because I can’t live someone else’s life for them.
There are things I wouldn’t do for anyone, no matter what, because they’re wrong and won’t do anything in the end anyway.
There’s no way to bring back what was, something I’ve accepted (again with the accepting!).
Oh God I felt so awful on the freeway, driving, tears bluring my vision and swerving me to and fro. There was an exit, it curved fairly sharply and my foot was relatively heavy on the gas.
There was that flash, the knowledge, and the knowledge is what kept me from letting go of the wheel. It would’ve been too easy, and the ravine beyond would’ve been too easy. Nothing in this life comes easy. It would’ve been easy to let go of the wheel, to let go of my senses, to let go of my feelings.
Lucky me I made a vow years ago, a vow to find my waterfall first. No amount of rationalization could turn that exit into a waterfall. Flying, wind, all of that was there — but there wouldn’t be water, and I came from water, and to water I must return.
And thus, I am here now to tell the tale.
That knowledge, that awareness, told me so much about my father and all those incidents. Until today I’d understood everything up to the point, the pain, the suffering. Hell, even the barf. Rationalization is a big part of my life, same as it was his. I never understood why he took the plunge, locked himself up in his car, and had at himself with carbon monoxide. It would’ve been so easy for me, and I wasn’t even inebriated, not even drugged.
I can’t lose something unless I let it go. Another thing I’ve learned.
My father will always be with me, always always always. He’s with me now, because I won’t ever forget him.
The same goes for all my friends, my family, all those around me who know me and love me and whom I love back. I love people, all of them, even that fucker who cut me off. I’ve never been able to not, never been able to hate. I finally understand you, and I know you need to go. I’m not trying to make it easier for you. I just want you to know you’ll never really be gone. I’m sorry buddy, but you’re stuck with me.
I love you.
