yeees
after work yesterday the rest of the day loomed ominiously in a large chunk of boredom. mostly due to the fact that I have TODAY off, and I won’t work again til 12 on thursday.
soo.
in my hours of boredom, which was really just driving home, I called up first sean (who was busy entertaining the ladies) and then my buddy dave! that’d be google-dave, not pitney bowes-dave.
“hello?”
“hihi!”
“hey lori”
“I’m boooored”
“wanna go sailing?”
“okay!”
so I went to google to find dave!
they have weird parking-lot nazis. for all the programmers on staff there, the parking-lot nazis are quite one-track-minded
I told him “I’m here to see my friend dave”
he said “what’s his last name?”
I told him
he said “okay park over there til he comes”
so I parked over there til dave got there.
dave asks why I can’t leave my car, and I tell him cause that guy over there said so.
he goes to talk to the guy, and then soon they both come over to me.
guy starts telling -me- how to use -him-
“I thought you didn’t know what building he was in”
“nope, I knew he was in 41″
“oh. next time tell me you’re going to building 41″
SHIIIT
wtf?
if I don’t -tell- you, you assume I don’t know where to go?
maybe someone should program you to ASK ME WHAT BUILDING I’M GOING TO!
sorry, I don’t know the parking-protocols. -.-
hehehe 
so dave and I wander toward his motorcycle. I have a serious motorcycle fetish now cause of this guy.
I hop on the back (helmet-on-head) and we take off for redwood city.
once there (At some stanford sailing place) we switch clothes, and I find dave without shoes and take mine off (After some word-exchanges)
we head out for a boat and he sets up the sail and such (which I know nothing about)
soon, we’re on the water. not seconds after sitting down I start getting orders. grab this line, sit over here, etc.
I learn a whole plethora of words (none of which I remember) and, not knowing their meanings, I assume each one means “watch out for the boom” and “jump to the other side”
so that’s what I do the whole time 
I got utterly drenched cause part of the time we were keeping the boat from falling over. I hadta stick my butt way out over the side of the boat and lean backward in a horizontal position, sometimes even bend my back. it was fun was using stomach-muscles I didn’t know I had, and dave said “it’s a good thing you have them then!”
hehehe XD
one of the other sailers on the water managed to get their boat upside-downed (number 10!)
it was interesting watching them get their boat back over, AND try to get some wind in their sails to start moving again.
which reminds me of one of the dreams I don’t remember from last night. I don’t remember it but I -do- remember that there was a boat that couldn’t move due to lack of wind.
so we got back on dock after an hour or so and then switched back to dry clothes. my shorts were -completely- soaked, and one of the arms of my shirt was drenched. I was sitting forward from dave, on the side of the boat, so every wave hit me square on the side. XD
we hopped on his bike again, went back to google, and ate dinner. I ate a burrito their cafe is -much- different now. much more editable, if you don’t want the specialty dinners.
then I got back in my car, drove home, and decided first order of business was a bath.
got in the bathtub, started soaking, and after maybe ten minutes I was nearly asleep so I got out, got dressed for bed, turned the faucet back to “shower” since I didn’t think my housemates would like being stuck with “bath”, then climbed in bed and fell asleep. I kept the door open in case anybody wanted to do something (hang out, watch a movie) but I was a log and didn’t wake up til 9:10 when my mom called, though I didn’t answer the phone. slept until bout 11:30. 8:30 til 11:30 :p that’s quite a large amount of sleep! feelin a lil more awake -now- but I woke up sleeeeepy.
so!
that was fun
Monthly Archive for July, 2005
other than see’s candies, neopets is the way to my heart >.>
but see’s candies…mmmmm…
okay.
GIMME BOTH DAMN YOU!
but only if you haven’t got my heart already
a highly-symbolic drawing, I’m in the process of finishing.
so far I’ve got it sketched, and a few things colored.
still have to finish coloring, then highlight/shade.
what I’ve got so far:
any hints for a background??
image is big, so I LJ cut it.
I remember when my great-grandmother, Lolla (Alice) died.
I was in fourth grade, and she’d been coping with her cancer. she was with her daughter, my grandmother, when she went on.
we at the church had been praying for her survival, and the termination of the cancer. I guess technically we got one of our prayers answered.
in grieving, as a 9 year old, I was told over-the-phone by the highest-up at the church, that I was not allowed to cry.
this confounded me, as that was the most apt way I had to deal with sadness.
he then went on to say that lolla was in a better place now, where she didn’t feel the pain anymore. she could still see me and she loved me and would always be there, but not in the way she’d been before.
in hindsight, that’s an awesome way to make someone feel better, and probably the most helpful. if you omit the first sentence, about not crying.
so I didn’t cry. I wasn’t allowed to.
all through the memorial service, there were no tears.
prayers, singing, talking. all things churchy. but no tears.
this was when I learned how to stifle feelings, this is how I learned. not through abuse, exactly, though the weapons of standing-in-the-corner and grounding were quite lethal at that age.
what a -way- to brainwash someone, yes?
start out early, be able to control all their thoughts, their feelings, merely by threatening to punish them.
rewards were few and far between.
and stranger still, for a 15 year old, to embark on a different life than the one she’s been edited for.
in my grandmother’s sue-suite, a room my grandfather and I worked on, together, I lay in the bed my grandmother’d designated as “mine” and hugged the pretty very-slightly-purple walls. my great-grandmother at the forefront of my mind, her things all over this sue-suite that belonged to her daughter and my grandmother. it was there that I laid her to rest, where I grieved in the silence of the hills near uvas canyon in morgan hill. the tears that’d bottled up inside for so many years were finally set free in a near-silent torrent. I apologized to the angel I know as my great-gramma lolla, apologized for neglecting her departure and letting others rule my emotions, and not respecting her enough to say goodbye properly.
it is the way I deal with grief, with sad, with death.
I still have yet to change that .ini back to whatever it was in my childhood, before I was edited.
before I can cry, I must go through a period where I deny their death and pretend I’m okay with their being in a better place.
after all, what could be better than knowing -me-, what could be better than living another day to say hi to -me- and talk to -me- and love -me-
which is really what grief is all about, yes? an almost selfish feeling.
two-fold selfish, because why did they get to go to the better place? why can’t I go with them?
and I’ve yet to lay my father to rest. a more difficult dilemna, mostly because of the -me-’s. he went willingly. which isn’t to say lolla didn’t, she was quite content to drift out of this world. my father went with a little more bang, a little more depression. not so content. a lot of anger, a lot of guilt, a lot of sadness and feelings of abandonment. the latter guilts me the most, because I know I was one of the ones who abandoned him, not in my mind, but in his.
much more to let go of in that instance. the tears still come, and I still feel sad, but I have yet to let him go. sometimes I blame everything on him, and sometimes all on me.
and, at times, I feel that familiar tug he must’ve felt. the only thing holding me back is the knowledge that someone out there, even one person, would feel the way I did and do.
a promise to myself was made, a long time ago.
my waterfall will come when I am maybe not happy, but not sad either. when I’m content with life, and ready to depart.
and mayhap I’ll be as lolla was, maybe cancer and maybe not, and as my eyes close for the last time, I’ll see my waterfall and soar down it into the oblivion I’d have waited so long to dive in to.
I remember when my favorite sayings were:
“you’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep”
AND
“a good night’s sleep cures everything”
donno when those two phrases stopped being true for me, BUT!
as much as I was expecting it to be not-true, it was!
life’s much perkier after lots of sleep.
which isn’t to say it was “good” sleep.
still littered with the bodies of who-knows-what, still sporadic with the dreaming.
I guess if I sleep for long enough it by-passes the inability to rest-with-dreams, or something.
I still don’t know what I’ve dreamed of, all I know is how I feel after I’ve dreamed.
bad|——|——|good
when people feel bad, they’re all the way to the left
bad|x——|——-|good
when they feel good, guess where they are?
bad|——-|—x—|good
c’mon people! when you feel good, be HAPPY about it! please?
quick journal before I go off to sacramento for the day:
I GOT MY LICENSE!!
YAY YAY YAY!
*does the I-got-my-license-dance*
I GOT MAH LICENSE
I GOT MAH LICENSE
WOOHOOHOOHOOO WOOHOO!!
*yippeeeees*
I care, a lot.
I love you guys and want what is best for you.
feel like I’ve put myself here, and my influence is not needed, so I am removing myself from the entire situation.
please only update me of -significant- things, which means life-altering.
just know that if you need a shoulder for your tears, arms for your hugs, or a lap for curling up in, I will be here.
good luck with everything.
by the same token, if you need an ear to laugh jovially in or a hand to grip in mirth, I’ve got those available as well!
my fingers are the TICKLE OF DOOM if you aren’t laughing enough! muahahaha
and, don’t forget bout the pomeranian wand. we can always brush their butts.
a parting gift:
I am insane
you are sane
get the hell outa my life
I dont need anymore sanity
to add to my ruined self
we are all naked here
under my flesh
crawls the toothfairy
eating my worms
taking my pride
get the hell outta my life
don’t need anymore sanity
I’m insane
you are sane
get the hell outta my life
don’t need anymore sanity
aaagh! I hate HATE the store manager, rick-the-dick.
he’s a real piece of work.
joy joy happy happy.
on the good side of things, I got to leave work early yesterday.
on the bad side, IT’S CAUSE OF THAT FUCKER!!
so!
interestingly enough, due to the amount of dogs we get in the grooming salon at work, it’s quite rare to find a moment when you can take a break.
the whole time I’ve worked there I’ve taken a handful of breaks, and only because someone-or-other needed something from the store or some such.
my lunches! those are spent in the comfort of dog-hair.
pretty much, I don’t leave the grooming salon for anything cept to scrounge up some food, or urinate extensively.
so, for TWO SECONDS, I’m standing in the front of the grooming salon, fully visible to the manager’s office, trying to think of what to do for the next ten minutes of work.
all set to venture forth and clean the last cage some pomeranian left behind, I look up, and hark! here is an angel! angel of assholery, and I apologize to all my angelic friends for even -thinking- that he’s an angel.
so.
rick-the-dick starts gesturing rapidly toward the outside
me, I assume he means “go home already” so I get ALL excited. I’m bored, and there’re only ten minutes of work, I can go home yaaaay!
apparently not 
he comes into the salon (which is like a side-kick add-on on darkwing duck’s motorcycle) and says
(I’m not bein verbatim cause I don’t recall the exact word sequence)
“Laura. I don’t EVER want to see you just standing here doing nothing.”
his favorite line next, this one he uses ALL THE FUCKING TIME. what the hell?
“you work for petco laura, not for al”
no shit, but guess who’s my boss, fucker?
so, I’m agreeable, nod and say yes, etc. however! I am not of the bend-over-and-pucker-up variety, so I’m not exactly maleable toward him.
this sets him off, and he wants to break me! badly! so he thinks up more stupid things to say!
“al is not your boss. I am your boss. so you have to do what I say!”
joooy. store manager’s on drugs or something, quick, someone bean him over the head.
BETTER YET.
call the pomeranian faerie in!
so he says “now you go out there and bring some carts in, laura!”
and I SAY! because I AM TRUTH! and, just like truth, nobody listens. fucker.
“I can’t do that rick cause see, only reason I’m still here is because someone might call for an appointment, or someone might want their dog’s nails trimmed or ears cleaned.”
and he shakes his head and says “you work for petco laura, not for al”
=-.0=
now obviously this guy has a problem with his phrase-selection. the .txt file seems to have corrupted, and left behind only three phrases, a fourth which is filled with an odd mix of the other three.
iiiinteresting.
so! I nod, am agreeable, and let him know I’m not budging by continuing to stand there with that BORED LOOK UPON MY FACE cause seriously. I’ve already heard this. can’t you poke my brain-cells with something DIFFERENT please?!?
so he says! AND I LOVE THIS!
“you either go pull those carts out now, or go home”
so I say
“oh well I’m bored anyway, guess I’ll go home”
so I pull open the drawer that holds the key to the side-kick box, head toward the door and lock up. ten minutes early.
he looks constipated, with this furrow in his brow and his jaw slung open in “slack” position, his tongue pressing into the bottom lip. I don’t know how he still manages to look managerial with this look on his face, but I think the asshole hair-cut helps, and his brow furrows in a very “perfect” manner. that may have something to do with it. his face shape is structered to contain this look while maintaining assertivness.
he leaves the salon, heads back for his comfy chair in the manager’s office.
I gather the garbage, my stuff, and head for the back of the store where I leave the bag-o-trash (but not the one I wanna leave)
punch out turbo-speed (my associate number is six digits, I think? maybe five. and I have to punch them all in after I hit the “out” button. so I learned to punch fast.) two seconds and I’m clocked out, heading for the door, and I hear behind me, “LAURA”
so I stop, turn around at my leisurely pace, and look rick-the-dick in the face.
“yea?”
“I wanna talk to you”
“okay”
“come in here, let’s talk”
so I meander over, and then into, his “office” (which isn’t even his).
“I want you to know, laura, you work for petco, not for al. consider this your first verbal warning. I’ve warned you before! this is the second time! I don’t ever want to catch you doing NOTHING on petco time!”
interesting. how do you define “petco time” ??
cause, I’m not getting paid for standing there doing nothing. don’t think he knows this! so I explain -again-, how commission works.
“well rick, I want to explain something about how I get paid.”
“you work for petco laura! al is not your boss! I am!”
(I seriously think rick needs to take a look at himself. he is -not- petco.)
I nod agreeably, and say,
“well see, cause the way I get paid is based on commission. regular pay is 71 dollars a day, and if I groom more dogs than 71 dollars, I get that instead and don’t even have to work the rest of the day to get the money.”
OOOH MY GOOOOD!
I’ve seen rick look stupid, but this was stupid AND stupefied. he really looked -stupid-
I guess he didn’t -realize- that every time al leaves at 3 instead of 5, he’s getting paid -the same amount-
cause see, rick does that, too. he leaves early cause that’s what all the cool people do.
however! rick doesn’t get paid the same amount! when he leaves early, he’s screwing himself royally, in the ass. yes! doesn’t it feel good you rotten bastard!
the only response rick has after the stupid-look is! and I quote!
“your boss is not al, laura. I am your boss.”
oooh good comeback! you told me!
sooo! here I go, nodding agreeably again.
“so consider this your first verbal warning. if I see you doing nothing again, I’m gonna WRITE YOU UP!”
now here is where I shall MENTION that rick never actually started working from the ground up at petco. he transfered directly from a staples, I think it was, and was insta-manager here. he has -noooo idea- what’s going on, and no capacity for being wrong, so he can’t even -learn-
it’s either his way or the wrong way, and if it is the WRONG WAY heaven forbid (which typically originated as the correct way) then YOU ARE VERBALLY WARNED! BEWARE THE VERBAL WARNING! (even though I’ve warned you before!)
and, I’d like to add here
> -right here- .<
so now.
I hate pomeranians.
fuckers yip and yip and yip, for no fucking reason, except to HEAR THEMSELVES YIP! blaaaaah.
so this lady brings the cuuutest pomme in, and asks for a bath. it's fluffy as hell and looks quite happy with her tongue hanging out, her lungs panting.
I reach over to grab this pomme named pearl, and instantly! my arm is covered in claw-marks. and the dog is not happy. the dog is yipping and barking and yapping.
so I get a good grip on her and say "I'm gonna go put pearl in the tub be right back"
get the damn thing all hooked up to the bathtub, then go back out and write the lady's quote up.
haul out the brush and comb and nail-clippers, head for the back.
I swear the dog started yipping the momment the brush came into view, and didn't stop until they were out of sight. this includes the whole process of brushing it.
the BUTT HAIR is the worst. pearl hates having her butt hair brushed, so she lets me know by yapping, and since I don't speak YAP she says "bite" and my thumb is bitten. not off! it is still there! but I am not happy with this. she'd been nibbling at me, but a whole fucking bite? screw this bitch!
I go out into the front and grab a muzzle. fucking dog.
ten minutes later, she's still running in circles, dodging my muzzle-of-wrath.
I'm getting sick of this dog and seriously angry. me, angry! I'm tempted to THROW the damn thing, or haul out a shotgun and do away with her NOW!
so instead I haul out the closest thing I have to a shotgun. the water sprayer! spray pearl down.
oooooooh, pearl loves that. what the FUCK?
so she's all wet, and I think, "well maybe I can get the muzzle on her again"
nope. she starts up again with the biting and circling.
so I get the soap out, soap her down, and then rinse her off again.
she's calmed down -considerably- and only gives me minor problems while I muzzle her. ah hah! she is muzzled!
all her attempts to bite now are halted by muzzle!
so I manage to get her nails clipped, and as I take off the muzzle, she lets me know her displeasure with another lil nibble. fucker.
I dry her off, then carry her kicking-and-yipping into the dryer area and jam her in a dryer with two different dryers on her. I want pearl OUT and NOW!
fuuuucking dog!
I HATE POMERANIANS!
so, the pomeranian faerie?
it's a faerie I made up.
she's got a majykal wand that turns stuff into pomeranians.
THAT WAY I can get a brush and start BRUSHING THEIR BUTT muahahahahha!!
"yip yip yip"
rick-the-dick, watch out, I'm comin after you with my brush XD
and that was most of my day yesterday.
to make things happier in this journal-o-mine
MY HAIR TIPS ARE PURPLE YAAAAAAY
it's sooo cuuuuute
*dance*
growing, learning, discovering
exploring!
and no, I’m not in reference to spelunking, for all like, two of you, who know what that means. maybe more but I forgot -.-
aaaanyway.
seeing things differently now, in a way that I believe is healthier for me. might be confusing for others, and sometimes for me also, but it’s much much better than having the constant fear of the depression creeping up behind me and overtaking my senses and actions and reactions and making me cling to things that’ve left long ago.
I feel like I belong, like I was telling a very close friend (and I love you too ), almost like a wolf pack except I’m a kittydog not a wolf
I’ve got family now. not genetically, which can be like having children with your brother (mixed-up and the worst of everything), but on a plane that you can’t see. we were all in the same waiting room (someone said) and maybe that’s true. or maybe we were all birthed from the same mother, but have different fathers, since canines are capable of that >.>
in any case.
the one thing that sticks to me is that it isn’t going to go away. if -this- goes away, it’s because I’ve done something against them, something I would never do because we’re linked and what hurts them hurts me.
I just hate for stuff to go away, I really do, it hurts me -a lot-
not just people. stuff I do with people. things that make our relationship unique.
it’s one thing to be able to -see- all these things, and reasons for people going away (and things going away) and quite entirely another to -feel- these things.
blah
so much I wanna say, and no ways to say them.
I can feel something approaching, and I don’t know if it’s good or bad, and I hope it’s good, as that’s all I can hope.
if it’s bad, well then, I guess there’s more learning for me.
how far away are you? I feel like you’re right here, but when I look, you’re not as you seem.
