being as I’m a huge fan of drawing, I decided to add “Drawings” to my “pictures” thingy on livejournal. 
this here’s mah drawings gallery:
Drawings
the last two (9 and 10) were freshly added, the tenth one being one I just scribbled and scanned! JUST!
if you wanna comment or berate me, feel free to do so in this journal entry (but only about things concerning that link! haha!)
anyway!
have fun =^.^=
Monthly Archive for May, 2005
I need to sort out my thoughts.
it’s kinda hard to think in lucid thought-patterns this time of day.
I’d have been up all night cept I woke up at really late pm, so this is like noon for me? or so.
trying to figure out who I am, mostly.
lot of people tell me I’m sweet and wouldn’t hurt anybody, which may be what it seems like?
really I don’t like enemies cause they hurt my feelings, which are quite sensitive, so I try to be nice to everybody.
I also feel really good inside, all warm and cuddly, when someone smiles. so there’s another reason to be nice.
“positive reinforcement” is one of the things I find myself doing when someone’s self-esteem is especially low, or if they seem like they need it.
sometimes I’ll do it just because.
that, again, is purely selfish. I life seeing people smile. the fact that what I say and think about someone COUNTS for something, that’s big.
that it counts for something -good- is a bonus, but if it’s a negative reaction I get, well. as leilani would say, do it so they won’t forget you.
is life really a fight to not be forgotten?
some people are born “named” and some of them work really hard to be a “named”.
others of us want to be the mother or the father of the “named”.
do I want to be a “named” ??
I don’t think so, but then again, isn’t that what everybody’s sposed to say?
at a friend-outing-thing the other night someone described me as argumentative. another way to say that is that I see more sides than others.
aren’t we all limited by what we know, though? smart is in knowledge, in awareness, in intelligence. I’ve watched my baby brother grow up.
there are things humans do inately and don’t even realize it. we’re influenced a great deal by those we live with.
that may be because we tune ourselves to deal with that type of person habitually.
I prefer to think of it as “learning”
“why did this horrible thing have to happen?”
I learned quite young that when you pull the cat’s tail, the cat scratches. (usually)
so that horrible thing happened because you pulled someone’s tail.
“falling off my bike has nothing to do with me putting sugar in the salt shaker!”
really. I think we all figured out about karma.
so, again, I come full circle.
I’m not nice really, or sweet. the things I do are, and I enjoy them aside from maybe my main intent.
I guess life is all about figuring out your main intent, or your main goal.
the steps leading up to that ultimate achievement are the parts that hurt and mold and shape, and sometimes alter the end result.
my biggest problem has always been change. once I decide to do something, I do it, without waver. when that something changes on me, I get scared and leave it alone. usually.
so, my thought processes are now along the lines of “what is my life goal” ??
that’s a question everybody’s parents ask them their freshman year of highschool (most everybody’s).
even at the age of 40 that question is hard (I’d guess. I’m not 40!), so I think finding a general road is the best idea, for now.
I know I want these things:
»home
»children (A bunch!)
»pets
»some sort of degree (preferrably art)
»husband <–possibly the most important
a husband, someone infinitely close to me, someone who understands me and who I understand.
someone who loves my incessant babbling, my inanities, my lost thought trains.
someone who's quirks make me smile, not frown. someone who'll be there when I need to cry.
someone who definetly wants children, who will thrive in the position fatherhood brings.
it's not enough for me to have someone agree to have kids. they have to want children.
if that sounds like the perfect guy to you, then you maybe are like me. a lot of people don't feel that way.
there're people who want a boyfriend forever, and not necessarily the same one for any length of time.
some people want a husband because they need to be dependant on someone. others want a husband cause they need a permanent friend.
I donno. so many differences, so many choices! even if you decide on a "type" you still have to find someone who works for you.
I believe that every person is their own color in the large spectrum of life. some people find someone else with their same color.
given the broad array of color available in a rainbow, this would be quite rare.
I also believe that people's colors are constantly changing as they learn and grow, which would make the finding even rarer.
when you can find someone whos color changes to the same one as yours every time they learn, I believe you should stick with them.
I guess there's also the fact that "opposites attract", and that's another factor.
so much in life is "customizable" and raw.
too confusing!
it's much easier to pick a goal out, something that meshs with you, and aim for it.
we're all going toward our goal whether we realize it or not. our journeys and paths aren't decided for us, they're offered to us.
being the humans we are, we typically prefer the sweetest deal. why buy ten sticks for a dollar when you can get twenty for a dollar fifty?
did you know those 20 sticks were stolen from the little girl down the lane?
maybe the ten sticks were stolen from the little girl's baby sister.
who knows?
my thoughts aren't coming out any better. I feel more confused than ever.
I know there're things about me that would annoy the SHIT out of me if someone else did them too.
in that respect, I'd want an opposite.
by the same token, the things about me that I love, I -want- in my partner.
so I don't want a complete opposite.
the key is to not worry about it, and understand that everything happens for a reason.
mostly I'm trying to figure out what "woke me up" so to speak. it's no one thing in particular.
talking to my mom made me realize it was time to "wake up", I know that. I didn't know how to.
nothing tragic happened, which I'm glad for. it may have caused me to sleep longer.
think changing jobs at work also factored in. when my routine changed, so did my perceptions, my understandings.
learning about new things always makes you re-think the rest of your life.
finding new friends and discovering new things about myself probably opened my eyes up a lot.
I'd say mostly though, talking to my mom woke me up. she has a way of asking you questions that makes you wonder.
the rest of my life just followed in line, and now here I am, alone, typing this on my computer.
when I broke up with mike the hardest part of it was not having anybody to snuggle with in sleep. even one night without someone else is still hard.
it's been hard, but I think it's worth it because I'm finding out so much about me, about my wants and desires.
the profile I wrote above pretty much describes what I want, what I need. I won't go looking for that perfect guy, cause I know looking will result in nothing.
I donno. too confusing. I never did the dating thing really. mostly I just found people and we happened, or people found me and we happened.
aaagh! whatever!
live life to the fullest, don't disregard tragedies because they're really classroom sessions in disguise; karmic retribution is better now than when you need something.
and, life goes on!
an old poem from back-in-the-day keeps running through my head lately.
and by "old poem" I mean something I wrote
it's kinda jagged on the edges, but I think it gets its meaning across.
it goes like this:
keep your chin up
life is fine
the sea is open
it's all mine
and if you don't
keep your chin up
you'll drown
in the sea
of life
I know this is really strange, and probably it won’t affect you, but if it does, I’m really really sorry.
my father died a little over two years ago.
this fact, as well as almost anything directly and indirectly linked to it -since- he died, is little known
to me. by “little known” I mean I blocked it.
a lot of memories have disappeared in my head. there’re huge chunks of time that are unaccounted
for. basically, I’ve lived maybe a year of the past two. usually while at work, or while engaged in
some activity that didn’t remind me in some way, shape or form of my father.
I’ve been through this with a different situation. It lasted my junior and senior years of HS. those
years are still pretty foggy. I remember people, to some extent, but not really any names or events.
in trying to remember the last two years of HS I keep remembering the first two, which sorta makes for
uneven events.
as a child, I had a perfect memory. never forgot a name, a face, a place. everything was crystal clear.
I developed a block shortly before my teenage years, a minor one then, and by the time I reached
adult-hood it was my self-defense mechanism. my mom explained it best to me.
“it’s like police in your head minding the streets of your memories. road-blocks are set up around any
portion of the memory that could cause you emotional distress. any information that gets stored
along-side the distressing memory gets policed as well so that you don’t remember it either.”
it’s pretty simple, and lends hope to the restoration of memory. I’ve gone about five years with two
whole years of HS being a big fog. Granted, two of those five years was also spent in a fog, but the
three leading up to the missing two would’ve probably granted me some restoration, I think. mayhap not.
in other words, I’m not hoping too much, but it’d be nice (hear that stupid police-of-my-memories?) to
remember people and things.
I’d say the worst of this situation is that a most loving, caring person was hurt by it because he believed
me to be fully lucid and aware of stuff. even I had no idea the extent of my memory loss. one thing that
triggered my worries was his mentioning going somewhere I’d previously been with my father, and I had
no recollection of ever going there with him (I only can remember going with my father) until he probed
and I finally remembered a bent giraffe, and some sort of butterfly gift shop.
I started praying every night that I’d stop forgetting things. shortly after that I had a long conversation
with my mother, and somehow I brought up the memory loss, and she explained everything to me. my
own grandmother went through the same thing when her second child died of SIDS. a whole year of
her life is gone. for me, it seems to be two years.
I remember almost everybody, probably nobody’s forgotten. it’s the things I might’ve done with you, the things you may
have told me, that I’d have forgotten.
if there’s anything key that you need me to know, to remember, let me know with a journal or some such.
the only thing that kept me from completely forgetting that my father was gone was to read my journal.
I’m still in something of a fog, but I’m trying, whereas before I had no idea what was happening to me.
I need time, patience, good thoughts, good feelings, and lots of hugs. hair-ruffles are fine also as I’m a kitty.
this is possibly the strangest thing to have happen to me. I feel like rip van winkle.
it’s been a gazillion years since I posted. 
sooo much has happened!
first things first.
I DON’T SELL SOFTWARE ANYMORE!
it’s been one week since I did anything for Aziz.
I have been a courtesy associate for one week!
the position of “courtesy associate” is the one that belongs to those
who swipe a highlighter across your reciept as you exit the fry’s store.
we also provide “PMTs” to those who need them, when they enter
the store with already-purchased items that they’re -not- returning,
unless it’s a printer or computer. so far it’s mostly a boring job if you
don’t get along with a lot of different people, and a very interesting
experience. there is a lot of action at the front of the store, even on
a slow day, so I get to see things happening as they happen and not
hear them second hand.
what else is there:
uhm…I donno
not much else to tell >.>
given that I’m no longer under the reign of Aziz I don’t have anything
to complain about (like that matters )
I miss everyone in software, they’re fragging awesome and totally
should move to LP or Returns.
yesterday a couple came into fry’s and got all butt-hurt cause we
wouldn’t let them return a fax-machine print cartridge. they had no
reciept, they didn’t purchase it with a credit card, and no associate
wrote them a quote. essentially, there was no way to prove that
they’d purchased it from fry’s electronics. the lady kept insisting that
she’d probably paid with cash. when you go to -any- other store in the
world (that isn’t a fry’s) they’ll ask for your reciept. I don’t know of
any other business that allows a return for an item that has no record
of being purchased (it did have a fry’s plu though). fry’s is weird
anyway!
I’ma go now. gotta work at some point today
byebye!
