sometimes I jus get to thinking about my dad.
when I do, I think bout angels, and how my dad used to love my angel drawings…
I drew ‘em naked, of course. donno why.
dad really loved my art and always wanted me to do something with it, he was always proud when someone comissioned me.
just missing him at the moment, and was reflecting on one of the main reasons I always thought of myself as a cat, and especially now.
I know it’s weird to say, but it’s trueish…
the mother cats always care for their young, even when they’re full grown. but cats never have dads.
so, that’s why I’m a cat.
in my heart I’ll always know I had one, and I met him and loved him, but he obviously didn’t wanna continue being my dad cause he went away permanently of his own free will, and that’s how fathers-of-cats are, and stuff. cept they usually don’t go away the way my dad did.
I really miss him.
been almost a year since I saw him last. it’s really weird to think like that cause I’m never gonna see him again.
that right there is -really- hard to take.
when somebody goes away, you always have that reassurance that if you see someone who looks like them, there’s every possibility that it -is- them.
then you go through the whole “omg it’s been too long!” thing.
it’s really really hard to feel all those feelings and then remember it isn’t possible cause they’re -gone- gone.
been pushing thoughts of dad to the back of my head cause I can’t cope, and I can’t figure out how to deal with it
then things pop up that remind me of him and make me all happy until I remember there won’t be a next time
then I try to not think about it again so I don’t cry and get sloppy. I hate crying in front of people. only do it when I’m alone or at my computer alone.
I know I’ll always have my mom, and for that I’m eternally grateful. sometimes I feel guilty though cause I already had my whole life with mom, but I didn’t have very long with dad
there’s peter, of course. every day he’s growing into a new version of dad. I wonder what it’ll be like when I’m 70 and he’s 50 and I see him, and then I see dad…
probably by then I’ll be over this, if it’s possible to -get- over something like this.
someone said a year, six months…both are reasonable. I donno if I’ll be ok in february. it is a special situation though (aren’t they all?) cause it was unexpected, and he did it on purpose.
doesn’t that take longer to get over? there’s the guilt, and then the feeling of abandonment, followed by anger…so many more valid reasons to be upset.
what’s done is done though and you can’t take it back and I think that’s the part that hurts the most sometimes.
not like a game, where you jus push reset.
I sometimes feel like I would’ve done anything he wanted me to if he wouldn’t have done that, and then I know I wouldn’t have, and wonder if I should feel guilty for that.
there’s only so much a human can put up with.
I think I need to put a different shirt on, this one’s all wet.
does anybody have any advice for me?
I don’t know what to do, and it’s hard to figure out how I’m sposed to react, and when nobody is around I just cry.
not crying cause I’m lonely, I’m crying cause I can’t cry any other time. gotta be strong in front of other people.
I know it’d help a lot if I could cry in front of other people, cause then I’d eventually stop needing to. pushing back emotions isn’t good for you.
bleh.
I’ll probably feel better after I get some sleep.
).
