by lorikitty
thoughts-and-revelations of today
I get clingy and/or talk too much when I’m sad or if I feel unsure of myself/my position.
when Allan gave me John’s number, my first thought was, “I can show TJ he can trust me with this guy”.
that’s the only reason I called John in the first place.
after talking to John, I found he was pretty easy to talk to and we had lots to talk about, we did for hours. Since I’m new to this area and have few of my -own- friends (aside from cow-orkers) and I seemed to get on pretty well with John, I decided why not, meet John and get to know him and we’d be good friends -but that was it-, nothing more.
we met, got along pretty well, cept that he kept trying to do stuff to me. The guy doesn’t get it if you push him away. you have to tell him no.
I made it a point not to ever go anywhere with him that other people weren’t.
He liked my art, wanted me to draw for him, do a comic, and do voice-acting for one of his characters.
me being me, I wanted my art to be appreciated, so I went along with his wishes for us to go somewhere so I could show him my art and we could discuss what he wanted me to do (he claimed he hated typing and didn’t want to negotiate on the computer, etc)
I will try to list all the times we met/where we went (all separate days):
1. fry’s, where we initially met.
2. met for lunch at fry’s, I bought.
3. wandered around Target and Wal-Mart
4. went to the Great Mall, Target (didn’t like attention here, was getting sick of him)
5. went to Eastridge, Baker’s Square, Target (was realizing I was getting sick of him)
6. lunch at fry’s again, he followed me around a bit. (sorta irritated with him, kept kicking him)
7. went shopping for clothes. (found none for work, reason we’d gone.) (absolutely hated the way he was talking about -everything- so I vowed never to see him ever again.)
in between the listed times I met him, he’d come by for lunch-at-fry’s. that happened maybe two other times.
talked to him online, could only criticize him, he didn’t like that and told me I didn’t have any friends, I told him he shouldn’t talk shit about a girl’s boyfriend if he wanted to keep -her- for a friend.
Revelations of the Day (7/6/2003):
1. I realize there’s a bit of naivete in me that keeps me from acknowledging that someone’s doing something to me. Part of my denial that anything ever happened to me -before-.
2. In hindsight, my attempts to forget that what happened to me before was sexual abuse, hinders me from accepting it for what it is, today. Now that I’m able to see -that-, I can recognize attempts/etc before they happen and cut them off completely. Knowing what to look for now will keep that from happening again. (look, I’m growing up.)
3. I’m not clingy unless I am scared that something’s going to change. Change scares me, and I need to be held (is that so hard to understand?).
4. Incessant chatter is due to nervousness.
5. I’m scared to believe that someone will continue wanting me after they ask me to be their girlfriend. The longer I’ve been in the relationship, the scareder I get, and the clingier I get. Simple reassurance of my status in the relationship (acknowledgement, instigating the “I love you”, a spontaneous hug. something to let me know you’re glad I’m there) usually makes me not-clingy and very content. However, do not hold me accountable if I’m happy that you’re happy I’m there, if I hug you back, or if I spontaneously kiss your cheek or nose or scritch your arm every now-and-then for the next few hours. that’s not me being clingy, that’s me being happy.
6. as for my reasons for seeking out guys, after discovering problems-with-billy: I thought I had to show there was no reason to worry, by having lots of male friends.
7. Discovered I get along pretty well with girls. got as many hugs today from girls as I did from guys.
8. Someone told me today that I’m sweet, and that’s why people want to comfort me (my cow-orkers). Felt good.
9. Now that I’ve got these thoughts out, I’m feeling a lot better about myself as a person, and what I can handle, and what I can’t.
