hehe…kitties always look busy but they’re really thinkin deeply 
I remember (as I fell asleep) that I would probably -not- remember my last thoughts, so here I am writing in
hopes that they’ll come to light =-.0=
what spurred this particular entry though was something I don’t understand…not sure if it’s something left
over from stuff that -didn’t happen- or if it’s jus a personal opinion. generally personal opinions don’t make me
sick-to-my-stomach, though.
I remember a few times when Michael (and no, it wasn’t Mike who spurred the nausea. I feel the way whether
he’s in the picture or not.) would attempt to role-play with me. for example:
On the night we got pulled over in the parking-lot of the Albertsons near his house, when we got home later that night he role-played a cop “strip-searching” a criminal (me). While he did this, I felt really really weird and
wished I were anywhere but there, but he seemed to like it so I sorta zoned-out. I guess I did that a lot with him.
I’m slowly realizing the reasons for self-comfort. If you are happy with the current situation, you are -totally- there.
no part of you is hidden or locked away elsewhere, or “zoned-out” or whatever. those around you feel closer
to you when you aren’t hiding behind shells or walls (depending on your species). I grew up with people around
me rarely looking out for my comforts, they all seemed to be trying to make me as un-comfortable as possible.
I never really noticed it cause I was busy being elsewhere, I guess, but since meeting several people who
care about those around them as much as themselves, I’ve realized lots of stuff. I understand my need for
exploration, of meeting/finding new people, things like that. Basic human instincts, I’ve always known and
never known -why-, and lately a lot of my whys have been answered, which is -very- unexpected since I always assumed I’d die not knowing. =0.-=
at any rate
I’m fairly certain my thoughts-before-slumber last night were based on love (not feeling it, analyzing it)
We all depend on it for our self-worth, and when someone who’s caused drastic (and not-so-drastic) change in
your life suddenly isn’t there anymore, you wonder if you’ll be the same person now that they’re gone. It’s very
important to understand that change comes from within, not from the rock-solid assurance that the person who
brought about the idea/change/thought (whatever). If you like that aspect of yourself (and it’s relatively simple/easy to maintain) then you’ll still be that person. I guess clingyness comes from wanting the continued
assurance that someone so important to you and to your -self- will always be near. Which now reminds me of
what I was thinking before falling asleep.
Memories…=0.-=
For some reason, Michael sprang to my mind (a picture of him smiling like he did in rare moments) and I felt
like crying, which made me pause, because not only have I said it but I also know/feel, that I never ever loved
Michael. So I analyzed it to make it go away :F (I usually cry from memories late-at-night anyway, jus wondered why him, so yea. :F)
I figured out that it’s not necessarily the person you miss, but the situation. That made sense cause when I pictured Mike and his smile, I also remember feeling a sort of happiness/belonging (another rare moment when it comes to Mike) because usually my jokes were too stupid for him/his friends (uh huh, fricken pot-smokers). anyway <..> (which is why I wondered at my feelings last night)
so I realized I felt longing/sad/like-crying because of the rare instant of having done something right, of feeling
like a whole person, etc.
In almost all of my relationships, I have, for the most part, “zoned-out” the months after the first couple months, which is why when I remember those relationships I have a sort of melancholy feeling toward them. I miss those first few months, but not the ones after them.
Knowing this, I can watch myself more closely and try to make myself more comfortable so that I won’t end up zoning out a good portion of any more relationships, whether bf/gf or friendships, whatever. I have always felt like less of a person because I never understood why I got “bored” with a relationship, when in reality I didn’t want to make the other person aware of my feelings by telling them I didn’t like something or I liked something else. I’ve always been a hidden hidden-person, emitting someone who shares-all-feels-all (and I do, to some extent) but never actually showing anybody my real-me, my me-me. Another of my “whys”, as in “why should I, what would you care?”
and the reason for caring is so that you’ll be more open and make them feel like more of a person, and in doing that you’re being more of a person, etc…
opening up to someone else causes them to open up to you (I noticed this from the emitting thing, when I’d really not be open at all, a lot of people would open up to me).
at any rate.
I think I’ve run out of stuff to say and have gotten all of what I -did- want to say on…uh…pixel-screen-thing. 
not that anybody’ll actually -read- this cept me, but it’s handy for future-reference type stuff. 
Gallery
